Dying Matters Week...Let's talk about death

…Why Conversations About Dying Matter All Year Round

It’s Dying Matters Week again, the one week in the year where people are actively encouraged to talk about death, dying, grief, and planning ahead, because conversations matter!

It’s a powerful initiative and one I fully support. But here’s the thing: why are we saving all this for just one week a year?

So, Let’s Talk About Death…

It isn’t seasonal. It doesn’t arrive in May just because the media calendar tells it to. It’s part of life.

The end part, yes, but still a natural, inescapable part of our journey as human beings. And yet, despite the fact that every single one of us will die one day, and that all of us will grieve the loss of someone we love, we still treat death like an awkward, slightly embarrassing dinner guest.

We shuffle uncomfortably, change the subject, make a joke, or just plain pretend it’s never going to happen.

But here’s the truth: talking about death doesn’t make it happen. It won’t jinx you. It doesn’t summon the Grim Reaper in any shape or form. What it does do is bring relief, reassurance, and often… believe it or not… even a bit of peace and comfort.

So let’s not just talk about dying because it’s Dying Matters Week. Let’s talk about it because it’s human, it’s necessary, and it can actually bring us closer together.

Why We Avoid the D-Word

Let’s be honest, death is often seen as a bit morbid. British culture in particular has a long history of the stiff upper lip, of ‘not making a fuss’, of soldiering on. We’re more likely to say someone ‘passed away’ or ‘lost their battle’ than use the plain word ‘died’.

Whilst this might feel softer or kinder, it’s part of a wider discomfort. We’re afraid of being upset, or of upsetting others. We don’t want to face the sadness or the fear. But by not facing it, we end up pushing it down and making it even harder when death does come knocking.

The result? People die without their wishes being made known. Family and friends are left guessing about funeral plans or whether someone wanted to be cremated or buried. Families fall out because nobody talked about it when they could. And those grieving are often left feeling isolated, as though their very real pain is too awkward for polite company.

We can do better than this. We have to.

Death Talk Isn’t Morbid… It’s Liberating

As a celebrant, I’ve been part of countless conversations around death, whether I’m writing a funeral ceremony, helping someone plan their own send-off, or simply supporting a family who’ve lost someone. And I can tell you this: once you start the conversation, it opens doors. People want to talk. They want to be heard. They want to say, “When I die, I’d love everyone to wear colour” or “Promise me no hymns, I want Bowie!” or “I’d like to be buried under a tree with a biodegradable coffin and a view of the hills.”

There’s a kind of joy in these conversations. Not because we’re wishing ourselves into the ground, but because we’re reclaiming death as a part of life. We’re saying: “This is how I want to be remembered. This is who I am.”

And there’s huge relief in knowing those you love won’t be left scrambling, unsure, worried they’re getting it wrong. It’s a final gift of clarity, a way to show love, even after you’ve gone.

Normalising Death: Where to Start

So how do we bring this into everyday life? How do we make death less of a taboo and more of a topic… like love, or birthdays, or retirement plans?

Here are some simple starting points:

1. Talk about your wishes.
Do you want a big funeral or a small gathering? A direct cremation followed by a memorial service….burial or cremation? Religious venue, crematorium or an outdoor setting. What’s your favourite music, do you want readings, poems or rituals? You don’t need to write it all down straight away but just start chatting. Bring it up with your partner, your kids, your friends. Share your thoughts over a cuppa. Make it normal.

2. Write a will and consider advance care plans.
It’s not just about money, it’s about who you trust to make decisions, what kind of care you want if you’re ever unable to speak for yourself, and how you want your end of life to be handled. It’s peace of mind, not paperwork.

3. Be honest with children.
Kids are naturally curious, and they cope much better with the truth than we often think. Using plain language like “died” helps them understand what’s happened. Being open about grief shows them it’s okay to be sad, and that it’s okay to remember and it’s ok to laugh or smile when you are remembering your person.

4. Share stories.
Talk about those you’ve lost. Share memories, photos, funny stories. Honour them and keep them alive in the way we humans do best… by remembering. It’s not morbid, it’s beautiful.

5. Ask questions.
If someone close to you is ageing or seriously ill, don’t be afraid to ask gently about what matters to them. “Have you thought about what kind of send-off you’d like?” “Is there anything you’d want people to know at your funeral?” It can be the beginning of an incredibly meaningful conversation. Make it an everyday type of chat, over a cuppa.

I’ll write a separate blog on speaking to someone about death and dying when they’re living with dementia.

The Benefits of Death Conversations

When we start talking about death, something extraordinary happens. We get braver. We get more honest. We live more fully.

We connect more deeply.
Talking about death often leads to talking about life and what we value the most, what we hope for, as well as what kind of legacy we want to leave.

We reduce fear.
Much of the fear around dying comes from the unknown. But when we explore it, name it, and understand it, it becomes less terrifying. It doesn’t mean we’re not sad or scared sometimes, but we’re not alone in it.

We handle grief better.
When people have talked openly before a death, it makes the grieving process gentler. There’s comfort in knowing someone’s wishes were honoured. There’s less confusion, less chaos.

We empower ourselves.
We take control of our endings, rather than leaving it all to chance. That’s a deeply human, and deeply dignified, thing to do.

Make Death Part of the Conversation – Not Just a Campaign

Dying Matters Week is brilliant, it shines a much-needed light on these issues. But the truth is, every week should be dying matters week. These conversations don’t need a calendar slot. They need you…open-hearted, curious, and courageous enough to start.

Whether it’s adding your funeral wishes to a notebook, planning a living will, or just saying, “Hey, when I go, I want to go out to the Sound of Music and everyone has to wave me goodbye!,” it all counts…it all helps.

So, let’s be the generation that changes the culture. Let’s raise a toast to the lives we’ve lived and the ones we’ve lost. Let’s cry, laugh, plan, and remember. Let’s talk about death, not just because it matters, but because we matter.

Our stories matter. And how we leave this life is just as important as how we live it.

So go on, let’s talk about it…

Let’s not save it for Dying Matters Week every May, Let’s not save the conversation for… someday.

Let’s make that time…today.

Katie Costello is a soul midwife and celebrant and is the most fascinating person to talk to about death and dying, she really demystifies the process and has just released a podcast, check her out and take a listen.

Want to chat about your own funeral planning…you don’t need to be dying to do so, just forward planning!

Get in touch, it’s good to talk…